As I am writing this I am in the hospital… I know right, dramatic start. But yeah, I am currently in the hospital. I was put here because I had surgery a week ago for endometriosis and had a coil put up to try and prevent more. And obviously that was a bad idea. I had that one rare reaction that my gynaecology consultant at a big private hospital in London focusing only on women and children has only seen once before in his career. Yup, 1 in more than 500.. or I suppose now it’s 2 in more than 500.
For the past week I have literally not been able to think or do stuff that required any sort of precise actions. Yesterday when I was admitted I couldn’t read out a string of 8 numbers, I couldn’t walk unaided and I couldn’t write my name.. not being able to write your own name.. that was rough.
But what is more is that of course this would happen to me. If there is a chance of having a weird reaction to a drug or a treatment then obviously it’ll be happen. Why not?
I think one thing that has become quite clear is that this academic year has been the worst year I have ever experienced. Since starting the PhD I have been more unwell than I have ever been before. It is like it kicked off everything. Maybe it was just a bit of stress and depression that got things started, an increase in pain meds because of finally getting a diagnosis at the same time as feeling utterly useless and like a huge disappointment academically. My medical leave helped on the mood side of things, but my pain system got kicked off by that injury in my shoulder and for most of April and May I have been unable to work because of day-long migraines with sensitivity to light. Now it is June and every day that passes I get more and more happy at the decision to quit my PhD. Starting it was probably the worst decision I have ever made. Despite a bad start with my supervisors (well, not really start as they have been my supervisors for years, but start to the PhD at least) they really are very supportive. They are quite worried about my health, thought obviously with a focus on my ability to work/my ability to at least get something out of this PhD. They are constantly trying to limit what I am taking on so I will get a finished product of a little analysis rather than just the frame of something bigger. But it is also coming to the point where almost every time I email them I am emailing for them with some new health issue which means I can’t work for a bit.
It has been a few weeks now, I am heeling and recovering and my doctors have offered me notes to have more time off. I have refused though. I don’t want any more time off, I just want my life to get back to normal, to try and feel less like an invalid and more like I actually get something done each day.
There are of course new things to stress me out, but so far the change is for the better. I seem to be coping and every day I am told how proud my partner is of me. It’s nice to see him proud rather than sad because he can see how much pain I am in.